Achieving Seniority.

Today, I received a nominal name change; a promotion, if you want to split hairs. Now I have to remove the "Applications Engineer" moniker from my license plate holder, and hit up the trophy shop for a "Senior Applications Engineer" desk engraving.

What does a Senior Applications Engineer do? Well, let me summarize:

Senior Applications Engineer: Demonstrable facility of application technologies; good functional knowledge of key Product areas and superior functional knowledge of select Product features; communicates with other Product Teams, resolves customer issues, good self-management skills.

These are the things I've picked up in the past year at work. But now that I think about it, I think I've qualified for a Senior-level position in several other areas in the past year. For example, I think I could now cut the mustard as a:

Senior IKEA Architect: Easily handles variety of screwdrivers and hammers; able to coordinate multiple furniture pieces in a single space; adequately budgets flat packs for time and space; working knowledge of Swedish pronunciation; debit card(s).

Or how about:

Senior Karaoke Soloist: Able to perform solo or in harmony with collaborators of varying pitch; conversational in Bon Jovi and Journey; good decision-making skills regarding placement of "Thriller" and "Careless Whisper;" interpretive dance skills a plus.

And certainly:

Senior Quiznos Tester: Affinity for fresh ingredients a must; willingness to accept new sandwich challenges, double meat offers a plus. Proficiency in bread, sauce and pepper selection should be advanced. Must be willing to frequent a single franchise to develop an awkward relationship of mutual recognition with owner. May be asked to prepare a competitive analysis of Subway offerings.

Other promotions due: Senior Commuter, Senior Alt-Tabber, Senior Fox Watcher, and of course, Senior Nerd. I think I might be a Vice President in that category, actually. With that, good night.

Kind regards,
Jeff
Vice President of Playlist Indification, Mobile Devices and Protecting Your Wireless Router
Initrode Corporation

Let Me Explain Myself.

OK. The photos from our second party would suggest some things to the uneducated observer.

That I enjoy dressing up in foam rubber and a jolly cap.

That I am a fan of aviator glasses.

That I enjoy being felt up en masse.

That would be somewhat misleading. Let me set the record straight on these controversial issues.

First, the slot machine costume. This was inevitable. I will be starting the day of Halloween somewhere in Las Vegas, after attending the Vegoose music festival. I had talked a good game about "ooh, maybe I should drive back from Vegas in a slot machine outfit" that, when it magically appeared in front of the #22 bus stop, it needed to be bought. There was no debate, no turning back. No, I will not be going to the Castro in it. No, I will not say why.

Second, the aviator glasses are in honor of Fleet Week in San Francisco, and were a concession. Because it was Fleet Week, full of air shows, Judy, Susan, Brynn and John all asked if I was going to wear the Goose costume that I donned at the Tainted Love concert. Considering I needed to drink water for two straight days after doing that, I voted no. Aviators. So hot right now. Aviators.

Now, as for the disproportionate amount of groping that I receive in these photos... well, I like to think that my Bowie-like aura transcends gender. That my Michael Jackson-like moves transcend race. And a fridge full of beer, cabinet full of top-shelf liquor, and laptop full of '80s hits and early-to-mid '90s hip-hop transcend about everything else.

Not that the public will care, when these photos see the light of day during my Congressional campaign. They will see the "Like A Prayer" montage and instead vote Smilowitz into office. You're no fun, 1st District. No fun at all.